Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
