i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
