Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
