I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
