College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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