I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize