her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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