why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
it glows. i had to have it.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
