Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
