she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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