I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
