so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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