So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
