Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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