literally had 100 drinks last night.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
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You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
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When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
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