I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
