Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Everything about him screamed your future.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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