okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
