My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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