Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
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I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
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You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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