I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so he's a sleeptalker.
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?