She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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