My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
