i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
