Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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