Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
