I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize