lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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