so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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