im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
