Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
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"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
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Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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