Umm I'm too high to move.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
