she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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