Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
