oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
