Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
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