i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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