i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I am one with the molecules
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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