She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
