yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
