im about as happy as oj after his trial
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
