U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
