I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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