i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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