yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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