I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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