Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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