I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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