I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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