Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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