He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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