apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
