R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
